TRAVEL DIARY - Homeward Bound

“That weird feeling you get when you are leaving a place, knowing it will probably be the last time you ever see it again. The last time that point in your life will ever be in the present. The scenery, the landscapes, and the people you will miss. Right as you drive away, a sudden panic of regret overcomes you. You are almost convinced you might be making a mistake, maybe you want to stay. Then you remember the reason you are leaving in the first place and how much more you have ahead of you. A chapter in your life has ended, but a new chapter is beginning.”

-Lynette Simeone

When we started our trip to Virginia I thought I'd take up vlogging some of our adventures. And here it is. The last one. The end. When we were homeward bound.

Here's the links to all the previous Travel Diary vlogs...

Getting there
The weekend
Adventures
Thanksgiving in Florida
Monticello
Virginia Beach
Washington D.C.
Skiing in Colorado

days that feel like home

I found this post in my drafts. I remember somewhat of what was going through my head when I started this post. Virginia had started to feel like home. And we were about to leave. I loved it, and I hated it. Hard to leave, hard to stay. Either way. I didn't know if Kansas would feel like home again. I was scared it wouldn't anymore. 

Now we've been home for about two months. And it does feel like home. That time we lived by the lake, half way across the country, for nearly half a year seems surreal, distant, like one long dream.

I've graduated high school, enrolled in college, Q and I are about to celebrate our one year dating anniversary. I've put my journals all back where they belong, I've potted succulents, I've gone back to drinking coffee in my big bed in the mornings.

These days feel like home.

TRAVEL DIARY - Washington D.C.

We took a little trip to D.C. during our stay in Virginia. A quick weekend of navigating metros, busy streets, and catching a couple sights, and some good food. Watch the newest Travel Diary installment below to check it all out.

the washington monument

shake shack in union station

the jefferson memorial

the holocaust museum

d.c. metro

what home feels like

We've been back in Kansas for about a week and a half now.

When we reunite with people there are two types of one question: one that wants the easy answer, then one with more understanding. The latter adds "or do you miss it?" to "Is it good to be back?"

You know, it is good. Strange. And good. And confusing. And good. It's not a contest between the two places. They both hold events and people that we'll always remember.

How does it feel to be home?

To sum it up in a sentence:

Like everything is the same but me.

TRAVEL DIARY - Virginia Beach

During our stay in Virginia, we headed down to VA Beach for a weekend. We stayed on the boardwalk, we rode bikes around, explored different shops, and tried to keep the cold ocean from brushing against our toes. It was good time. One of the best we had in Virginia, in my opinion. So here's a lengthy, Travel Diary installment documenting our times.

coming and going and coming and going

*listen while you read*
One month and three days left. And then home.
And this is when it starts. The last week or so it's been sinking it. We're going to leave. Maybe for good. There's no guarantee we'll be back here again. In this capacity, for this length of time. But would we want that?
I've wanted home for so long. And now it's nearly here. It's all rushing to an end and a start at the same time. It's all uncontrollable. And your heart starts to get kind of soft to the place you'd try to build up walls against. Things slow down. You don't want to run through the days anymore.
I've seen it all before. I've done this all before. It's how humans work, isn't it? Always wanting what we cannot have. Longing to be where we cannot. And I hate it. Hate that I can't hate this place. Because home is where I'm going to have to be for good. That's the place I have to belong.
Maybe it's fear. Fear of feeling out of place back home. Much like it felt to come here in the beginning. We'll have been here one month short of half a year when we leave. It's only natural to get comfortable, as much as I may have tried not to. It's only natural to grow attached to places and people. It's only human. But it's so so messy. There's no denying it. I felt it last time when we went home too. The feeling of your heart scattered, torn between two places. So I guess this time, I decided I would not have that problem. I would be devoted totally to home. But there was no stopping it. There's no stopping the way people get into your mind and places get into your blood. You can't ignore things that made you who you are.
So we'll try and do our best. As always. I do want home. Really. I want my tall, comfy bed, I want my desk, our little town, I want the people there mostly, I want the feeling and knowledge and comfort of home -- I do. But I want this place too.

a long way from home. a long time since home.

We're three and a half months into our stay in Virginia. It's so strange to think about how long we've been here. Three and a half months may not sounds like much. But when I think about it, it was the first day of November that I woke up and wiped tears off my face, packed my last few things chaotically, and hugged my boyfriend goodbye. Since then, we've settled in, had Thanksgiving, went to Florida, Christmas passed, I went to Kansas for a week, the New Year started, I turned 18. We're now half way through February. The downhill slope for going home.

I hesitated whether or not to write about our stay, or home, or anything of the sort right now. Because it's really all still unclear to me. But I guess writing could get rather monotonous if you were always seeing from the perspective of having everything sorted out. But that takes time. And so I assume it's okay to write when you're in the midst of the feeling. When you're still confused.

I have no doubt that someday it'll all make sense. Why we had to be here. At this time.

So here we are. Good things are on the horizon. Things in Virginia are good too. Yes, it hurts to be away from home. It hurts to be away from the people you love most in the world. (I've been through all the possible emotions.) But here we are. We're learning how to make it.

I think the thing that's most important to me right now, no matter how many times I've failed previously, is making it a good experience. These last weeks here. I want to look back and not regret the way I left. Or the way I stayed.

So here's to trying. And failing. And trying again. And here's to staying well. And leaving well. And appreciating where you are, wherever that may be.

TRAVEL DIARY - Monticello

Awhile back we went to Thomas Jefferson's house for the day. Here's some pictures and a little Travel Diary installment from Monticello. It was beautiful, one of my favorite historical sites yet. 

TRAVEL DIARY - Thanksgiving in Florida

I wrote a little about our trip to Florida for Thanksgiving here. But I also wanted to share some pictures and give you a little glimpse into our trip through a new travel diary vlog. I miss this beautiful place.

someone, somewhere

I'm going to miss Florida.
Miss having family to talk to and hang out with. There's the five of us, yes. But it's so good to feel like we belong to someone, somewhere.

- written 11/28/15

TRAVEL DIARY - The weekend

It's nearing the end of week two in Virginia. Day 13 of 152.

I'm trying to exercise my vlogging muscles regularly (whatever that means), so here's a short lil vlog of the weekend which is basically just a lot of me and my sisters being goofy. But fun.

Enjoy our shenanigans.

xo.

TRAVEL DIARY - Getting there

Hey hey. Here we are again, a year later. My family and I have temporarily moved to Virginia for the third time. This is the longest stay out of the three. 

Since we'll be here for awhile, I thought it'd be fun to try my hand at vlogging regularly to document our travels.

It's not necessarily going to be artsy. Or pretty. And there will probably be a lot of sarcasm. And accents. And weird dancing.

But I hope you'll enjoy it somehow. Here's the first installment...

xo.

I went back

I went back. To Virginia. I was there a short amount of time, really. Just enough to get acquainted. But see, that's the thing -- I didn't really need to be reacquainted. It felt like maybe I'd just been there yesterday instead of a whole year ago. Because it just feels like another home.

Funny how many homes one person can have, isn't it?

this time last year / on the horizon

LAST YEAR VS. THIS YEAR (SEE HERE)

"September 1, 2014

There's a strong feeling in the pit of my stomach and I know I must make the most of each moment here in a different place. Golly, that's hard. But it's worth it.
I miss family. I miss being home. I miss familiarity.
But I haven't felt that aching miss for a long time.
I'm beginning to think I'm immune to it? Perhaps?
Or maybe good things are on the horizon."

I wrote that the first of September last year when we were a few weeks into our two-month long stay. in Virginia. It's been a year and I don't know how that's possible, I remember it all so vividly. Not just the place, but the feeling of each morning and each night.

I remember this time last year -- angst knotted my stomach. I'd just moved seven states away from a boy who I just met who had some kind of smile I'd never seen before. I wanted to hold on so bad.

It's crazy the difference a year can make. How much can change.

Looking back, I can't even really coherently put into words the contrast of years and the thrilling moments and the empty ones and how they still come, both kinds. But in different facets. And how painful and wonderful it all is. This life.

This is what I know. What I can say clearly. The homesickness, the change, the adjustments. Whatever I didn't want at the time, I can say it again and again, I'm now glad they happened. And if not, glad that there was another side.

There are good things on the horizon.

the feeling of months gone by

We got back from Virginia six months ago now. Half a year. Half a year since living by the lake, half a year since winding roads and abundant trees, half a year since waiting in the Food Lion parking lot and eating a whole bag of sunchips, half a year since listening to Billy Joel albums in the damp basement, half a year since realizing home is not a place, home is your people.

I found some short clips form VA, there and back. So here's just a little feeling of months gone by.

you're my home - VA from haleyjane on Vimeo.

going home - VA from haleyjane on Vimeo.

torn between two places

Travel.
It's hard and rewarding.
Its one of those things where the beauty is in the ache, you know?

But there's things people never tell you about it.
Like what happens when you're both happy to be home, with all the people you love most in the world, yet still longing for a place that is not your home.

"You get home and suddenly you're longing for something that is not home and it can't be obtained, maybe never again. And there's a space that is lacking now. No matter how strong the feeling of home is, you still remember and ache for where you were before. And it's strange and you feel scattered. Your heart is torn between two places, trying to give fully to each." 11/6

I wrote that in my journal a week after we returned from Virginia. That first full week was when the feeling of restlessness was most acute.

Eventually, though, it evens out, I promise.
It was a transition to go, and it was a transition to come back.
But you do get integrated back into everything at some point, slowly but surely.
Maybe it's not going to be exactly how it was before you left.
But maybe it's better anyways.

One month back in Kansas.
I must say now that I love home, I always have.
And I still love Virginia, I always will.
It's good to be able to look back at all the adventures and misadventures we had there and remember it with a little longing.
Because that means it was good.

once upon a time

Once upon a time, we sat under tall leafy trees, our clothes soaking in the smoke of the fire. "So we may be going to Virginia again." And it's funny to think back to that time, because it seems so distant now. In the glory of that summer. With blue skies and lush, green grass. Before we knew any of this. Our fingers were sticky with s'mores and our hearts were full with excitement.

"I hope you will go out and let stories happen to you"

"I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories...water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom."

Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I wrote this awhile back. But, thanks to weird internet, I'm just now getting it posted. It's funny though, because in the end, I don't think I feel like this anymore. I'm glad I had to go.

...

Sometimes I give you thoughts that originally were recorded in my journal. But they're rounded out, shaped up into something a little prettier than that raw, sometimes gritty truth. But today, sentences straight from my journal.... About leaving, about being here instead of there.

This is where you're tested. Do you really like adventure? Or just the thought of adventure?

"I am thankful to have experienced so much, even though I am young, and have a lot more to learn, and am so undeserving.

"I wish all this could be, yet I could be home too and be changed and formed like this trip will do to me -- without leaving.

"But that's not how it works. You must go. You must let stories happen to you."

You must go. You must jump. You must stretch. It hurts. It'll hurt. And you're uprooted. But this must happen. This is how adventure happens. And you go.

But it's so so so worth it. For all the experiences you have that couldn't happen anywhere else. And by the grace of God you find that you can bloom where you're planted.

And maybe, you find, suddenly, that your roots are comfortable again.

Man, I think I've come to love this place.

...

So that's that. And now, I miss that place.

Jamestown & Colonial Williamsburg

Weekend number two here in VA, we went to the Jamestown Settlement. Really neat place, let me tell ya. We then went to Colonial Williamsburg. We'd been there before, when we came to VA (part one, part two). So went to one of the taverns for dinner and got all our favorite "memory foods" (corn chowder, ginger cakes, root beer, and fudge).

Here's our day, documented in pictures, starting in Jamestown, ending in Williamsburg.

Jamestown Settlement

The Susan Constant, the Discovery, & the Godspeed

James Fort

making a canoe ;)

Powhatan Indian Village

Colonial Williamsburg