Missing someone is not what the internet makes it seem like. It’s not like books painted it to be. It’s not poetic like the movies.
It’s not pretty. It’s not a single tear on a pillow at night. It’s not looking out the window longingly. It’s not seeing a couple together and turning away from the pain of the sight. It’s not a simple “I miss you" text. It’s not a melancholy journal entry. It’s not a constant thought in the back of your mind.
It’s messy. It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s a face covered in tears that won’t stop falling and four nights of mascara smeared across your pillow. It’s looking at the landscape and feeling numb. It’s seeing a couple together and thinking, “They’re together. Good for them.” Because you know how good that feels. Being together. It’s a five page letter to try to convey as well as you can how much you love them. And that’s still not enough. It’s leaving your journal untouched for a month because there’s nothing new to say. All that your pen will write is different ways of “I miss him”. It’s an ache in your arms, a hollow stomach, and a pulsating mind.
It’s needing someone when they cannot be near.
Two months into our stay here in Virginia I was able to go to Kansas to see my boyfriend.
So I went home. And I cried. And I don't know why.
I stood in my room and looked around. What felt so strange? At first I thought it was that I didn't belong. But that wasn't it at all. Though it would've been much easier.
I let my shoulders relax and laid down in my own bed, that I haven't slept in for two months. It was so comfortable. Why did it have to be so comfortable? And that was it. I belonged here.
"It's easier to not have a home," I said.
"Than to have one and leave?" He knew.
It was hard. Hard to realize that I belonged. It's easier to play the nomad card. Being a wanderer is heavily romanticized. It's easier to leave, and leave, and leave, and leave. It's easier to be numb to the remembrance of having a place that is all yours.
It's hard to belong somewhere and leave. And maybe even harder to leave it all over again.