*listen while you read*
One month and three days left. And then home.
And this is when it starts. The last week or so it's been sinking it. We're going to leave. Maybe for good. There's no guarantee we'll be back here again. In this capacity, for this length of time. But would we want that?
I've wanted home for so long. And now it's nearly here. It's all rushing to an end and a start at the same time. It's all uncontrollable. And your heart starts to get kind of soft to the place you'd try to build up walls against. Things slow down. You don't want to run through the days anymore.
I've seen it all before. I've done this all before. It's how humans work, isn't it? Always wanting what we cannot have. Longing to be where we cannot. And I hate it. Hate that I can't hate this place. Because home is where I'm going to have to be for good. That's the place I have to belong.
Maybe it's fear. Fear of feeling out of place back home. Much like it felt to come here in the beginning. We'll have been here one month short of half a year when we leave. It's only natural to get comfortable, as much as I may have tried not to. It's only natural to grow attached to places and people. It's only human. But it's so so messy. There's no denying it. I felt it last time when we went home too. The feeling of your heart scattered, torn between two places. So I guess this time, I decided I would not have that problem. I would be devoted totally to home. But there was no stopping it. There's no stopping the way people get into your mind and places get into your blood. You can't ignore things that made you who you are.
So we'll try and do our best. As always. I do want home. Really. I want my tall, comfy bed, I want my desk, our little town, I want the people there mostly, I want the feeling and knowledge and comfort of home -- I do. But I want this place too.
i don't trust myself (with loving you) live at nokia theatre by john mayer [x]
heart skipped a beat by the xx [x]
colors (stripped version) by halsey [x]
how long will i love you by ellie goulding [x]
addict with a pen by twenty one pilots [x]
love yourself by justin bieber [x]
one call away by charlie puth [x]
I hesitated whether or not to write about our stay, or home, or anything of the sort right now. Because it's really all still unclear to me. But I guess writing could get rather monotonous if you were always seeing from the perspective of having everything sorted out. But that takes time. And so I assume it's okay to write when you're in the midst of the feeling. When you're still confused.
I have no doubt that someday it'll all make sense. Why we had to be here. At this time.
So here we are. Good things are on the horizon. Things in Virginia are good too. Yes, it hurts to be away from home. It hurts to be away from the people you love most in the world. (I've been through all the possible emotions.) But here we are. We're learning how to make it.
I think the thing that's most important to me right now, no matter how many times I've failed previously, is making it a good experience. These last weeks here. I want to look back and not regret the way I left. Or the way I stayed.
So here's to trying. And failing. And trying again. And here's to staying well. And leaving well. And appreciating where you are, wherever that may be.
005. Write about a song and the memories or feelings it evokes in you.
That song "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran. It came out the summer I met you. I remember listening to it and wondering about you. I wondered about you a lot from that July to January, when we hung out, just you and me, for the first time. We were on the way home, scanning the radio in your car. That song came on and we backed the radio up and you had to listen to me sing along as you drummed your fingers on your knee. We stopped at a stop sign after the chorus and you became very verbally aware of the presence of stars in the sky for the rest of the night.
Then four months later at prom, how it felt to have my hands around your neck and be in your arms and the look on your face and the words in your eyes. Once again, you had to listen to me sing along to that song, but this time we were closer and you sang along too. And the end of the song, the feeling of you not wanting to pull away.
The next day in the car, my hand in yours, the ride that went unfortunately too fast. At the stoplight, as it turned green, catching a few lines and turning the radio up. Just the mutual knowledge and your smile.
It evokes feelings of you. The feelings of happiness and wonder. The feeling of never forgetting, knowing it would be impossible to. 4/28/15